An Attempt to Write a Love Letter

Si Tuldok ay inlaaab.

Naisip kong dito na lamang ‘to isumite. Hindi naman kasi nababagay sa isa kong talaarawan. Masyado kasing korni. Baka tuluyang masira ang reputasyon ko. Haha.😄

Nga pala, medyo mahaba, sa sobrang haba eh akala ng boypren ko ginawan ko s’ya ng book report. Pero kung may oras ka’t kayang pahintulutan ang aking sobrang kakornihan…

April 05
01.15am

So after the blooper about an hour ago, here I am, trying to write you a love letter for the monthly ritual of our supposed official togetherness.

I still really don’t understand the importance of having the need to celebrate such a day; why there’s a need to turn it into an episode. Like the way I fail to comprehend birthdays.

But I am trying my very best to be in the moment. Though it really doesn’t require me to exert a grand effort because loving you doesn’t strain me one bit.

Really. The blooper was a tad embarrassment on my part. But I don’t really mind. It made us both laugh. And I would do it again if it means a display of the creases around your lips.🙂

And, oh, I apologize for the lack of personalization. That this is typewritten, I mean. I don’t really believe that my sluggish penmanship would catch up with my thoughts, that and I’m just too lazy to be traditional.

I’m unsure about composing a love letter (and the term love letter is just too mushy) because I’ve never written one. But give me a few minutes. I think I am in need of utmost meditation.

01.36am

There are a few things I would like to say. My thoughts may be a little untidy right now, so forgive me if there are going to be unwarranted commentaries. Okay, here it goes.

It was more than five months ago when I decided to do something reckless. I was in the midst of a very premature mid-life crisis (something of that sort) and I thought I needed to do something with my life. I was very unhappy. That’s when you came in. It was never really planned but your advent was very convenient.

I hated you. You were stupid and tactless. You disagreed with me every chance you had – and you just had to be a jerk every single chance you got. Even though you were a big jerk, I brought you to SM whenever you said you needed to buy something. Haha. (But, really, you and your lame excuses. XP) The reason? Yeah, fine, I had a crush on you. Hahaha. And I was just being nice to a probinsyano. XP

What I’m trying to say is, for me, your entrance and our beginning was something out of my unruliness – something I would have never intended to do had I been my usual self. After realizing that, I thought, “oh, well, what the heck.”

And for the weeks that came after, it was all “oh, well, what the heck.” (Though I was having a really great time playing, my feelings were being offended. And I was being unfair by disregarding yours.) But had I not been careless, I would have never found myself in your arms.🙂

(Oh, yeah, I think this is going to be long. XD)

02.11am

If I were asleep (even if I wouldn’t really remember, I’m positive) I would be dreaming of you.

The thought of you is the first thing that clouds my mind when I wake up in the morning. Before I was put under the spell of infatuation, after the first beams of light enter my eyes, I would spend an hour idly lying in bed and staring at the empty ceiling. Now, I spend an hour thinking of you and staring at your face on the supposedly empty ceiling.

Then, I grab my phone to send you a good morning.
When I drink my first serving of hot cocoa for the day or bite into my first sandwich, I think whether you’ve had your breakfast. And I spend a few minutes wishing I could feed you my stark breakfast.

For the rest of the day, I would see your face. In the sky. On my laptop screen. Between the pages of the book I’m reading. Around the redbrick walls of a building. At every empty ceiling. And if I close my eyes, I see the outlines of your face even more clearly. And it makes me wish so hard. If only I could turn your illusion into something real. So I could touch your face. And trace the softness with my hand…

When I go to bed at night, before I close my eyes, I take one last look at your face on my ceiling. And as my eyes slowly dim out the light of the world, I silently wish you a happy sleep.

If I had not known you and somebody were to ask me how I was doing, “I’m perfectly fine” would have been my fake and craven answer. But because for the past five months of my life, you have tactlessly given me so many reasons to repeatedly feel bad about myself, you have unconsciously given me so many chances to reflect.

I despised you so much when you assumed you knew me and made me feel I was weak, but I didn’t realize it would help me grow into a better person.  I was trying to escape and you easily pushed me into that pool of agony. You made me unhappy but only so I could be happy. JERK. Haha.😄 So how am I doing? “Not perfect. But I’m fine. And I’m really just too in love right now to feel otherwise.”🙂

Yes, I am in love. There’s no use denying the feeling to myself anymore. I spent so much time making myself believe I am a person incapable of such an emotion, blocking out every wave of ecstasy caused by such a precarious hormonal reaction. To no avail. In the end, I fell in love. And as I write this letter, I am falling in love even more deeply…

(I want to keep on writing. But I really need to sleep. Haha. It’s exactly an hour and fifteen minutes past 2.11.)

08.40am

I don’t regret it. I don’t regret allowing you to enter my world.

Had I not allowed you, I would have never seen you smile the way you do now, that pleasant expression on your face. Oh, you have three kinds of smiles you know. One you make when you get conscious. =”> The other when you’re making pa-cute. BD Lastly, that smile. The smile you make when you can’t contain your happiness that it turns into a silent laughter.🙂

Had I not, I would have never heard you laugh the way you do now, the sound of the laughter that makes me feel so good. And every time you would laugh because of one of my corny jokes or because I was being a klutz again that I bumped my head on the glass wall, I wouldn’t mind doing it a hundred times over, just to hear that laughter that I was deafened to for most of my life.

Had I not, I would have never found myself in the best place in the world…in your arms. Need I say more?😄

Had I not, I still wouldn’t have had my first kiss. I would’ve remained ignorant to the kindest and sweetest taste in the world. (Winner! XD)

Sometimes, your mere presence makes me voiceless. Sometimes it makes me too loud. I am at my extremes when it’s about you, my best or my worst. Because you either give me so much lucidity or you drive away my sanity. I’ve unearthed so much about myself. I have learnt to be reckless and be careful at the same time. You’re slowly and unconsciously fulfilling my desire to know myself.

You make me worry so much. So much that sometimes, I find my tears almost desperate to come out of my eyes.

You make me miss you so much. So much that sometimes, I find myself hopelessly wanting to weep out the yearning.

And you make me so happy. So happy that sometimes, I find myself almost unable to comprehend the feeling and I quiver. (Haha. Gigil ang tawag d’yan. XP)

And you make me so scared. So scared that sometimes, I find myself crying to sleep, because I still can’t believe how somebody like you is able to love me back…

10.04am

How much do you love me? I don’t even know why I ask you the question.

But how much do I love you?

I love you so much that I could shoot out a rainbow right now and so much that I could ignite a star with it. (Winner ulet!XD) I love you so much that I’m calling you my baby. So much that just the thought of you makes me weak. And so much that even after an hour you’ve let go, I could still feel the warmth of your palm against the back of my hand.

“How much do I love you?” Then, I lose my way with words…and the mere question frustrates me. I become the worst writer in the world. These written words cannot be put on par with how I really feel for you…


06.33pm

I was a selfish person. And I still am. My selfishness sprung out from the need to safeguard myself, to preserve my bogus happiness. But you just had to do me a favor and burst my bubble. So I am slowly learning to share.  How could I not love a person who is teaching me how to become the best I could be? And how could I not share part of myself and my life with that person? From a plate of hot pancit canton to watching a fireworks display, I finally understand what you meant when you said you wanted to share almost every single thing with me…

Thank you for making me feel it’s okay to trust.

I’m not beautiful. My skin could lose its suppleness in a matter of weeks; it could lose its fairness over night. Stretch marks line my lower back. My hair could turn frizzy after a swim in the sea. My nose is speckled with black and white heads. I’m not particularly endowed with largely attractive organs on my chest. I have rough palms. Bluish green veins protrude from under the skin of my arms. My breath could turn unpleasant after failing to visit the dentist. My lips turn rough when I apply the wrong balm. My eyebrows are not shaved neatly because I really don’t know how to hold the razor. I have a mustache. And I could easily lose that love handle if I don’t watch my diet. You know all these. But still you choose to love me.

Thank you for making me feel I could be loved.

April 06
10.29am

It scared me. The fact that I am not perfect because you could gradually stop loving me; the fact that you are not perfect because I could gradually stop loving you; the fact that we could stop loving each other because love is not forever; and the fact that I could lose this happiness. And nobody will ever be able to tell me when.

But you assured me that even though the future holds no certainties, what matters most is the love we are sharing right now. And I let go of the fear.

I don’t expect you to love me more than you already do. And I don’t expect you to love me forever.

Thank you for making me anticipate less of the imminence of sadness.

01.44pm

I know my actions sometimes fail me. And I hope my words don’t frighten you (the way they sometimes startle me).

I finally understand. As the Moon restores itself, from one new moon to another, it tells me that there exists something celestial in our attachment. We’ve shared a star and countless moonlit nights. And I will go back again and again to the best place in the world, where I am made to feel safest. Knowing that even as the Moon orbits the Earth, and the Earth the Sun, and time could drift us apart – right now, I can nestle in your arms and stop the fleeting time, and tell you: I love you, *toot*.

Haha! Oo na! Korni na kung korni! Wala na akong magagawa d’yan. Eh sa ganun talaga.

Naiintindihan kong maaari ring mag-evaporate ang lahat ng kakornihang ‘to mula sa katawan ko, pero sa ngayon lubos akong nasisiyahan sa mga nangyayari kaya make the most of it na lang. Mahihirapan siguro akong hindi gumawa ng paraan para mapanatili ang kasiyahang ito.🙂

~ by tuldok on April 25, 2009.

One Response to “An Attempt to Write a Love Letter”

  1. …haiii… sarap tlga pg inLuV nho?

    …uhm… ms. Tuldok, cnu k pu b? sna e-mail k skin, pg may tym kah..

    …wla lng.. nkk-relate lng kc aco s mga articles mu eh,. aka nkaka-inspire din… nakuh, fan mu nco nian! ahaha^_^

    …kip it UP!!!

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